Dating and Addiction Recovery Can Be A Tough Mix
You’ve hardly gone a few weeks without a boyfriend since you were in high school. Even through all your drug addiction problems, you’ve had a few steady guys. So now that you are trying to stay sober, you’ve been hearing that you are better off single. Nobody needs to tell you what to do with your love life. Why all the fuss?
Why Are You Dating During Addiction And Recovery
First, I want to ask you a deceptively simple question. Why do you have or want a boyfriend? Do you just want someone around to have fun? Are you in it for a sexual relationship? Do you want to get married soon? This is important to understand right from the start. And once you think you know what your true answer is, your path during addiction recovery can become more clear to you.
Let’s look at an example. If you are in a serious relationship wanting to get married, your alcohol addiction has probably been a source of pain and conflict. Your recovery period is an important time of becoming well and being sure you are still even wanting to get married anytime soon. If sobriety has made you uncertain that you are ready for such a commitment, it’s best to figure it out now. By the same token, if your relationship has become more certain and stable from your addiction recovery journey, you might feel more ready than ever before. It is really hard to know until you ask yourself this question directly and honestly.
Dating Can Sometimes Fill Up Drug Addiction Emptiness
Some women going through addiction recovery have a kind of “V-8″ experience. It truly dawns on them that they have made some poor choices when it comes to men. The string of boyfriends one after the other, the drama, the pain of rejection when they move on or cheat, etc. “So that’s why I’ve had such lousy luck with men - I picked them when I was doing drugs.”
Addiction always comes with a vast feeling of emptiness. Lack of purpose, lack of understanding your own feelings, lack of confidence, lack of feeling acceptance from others, lack of something to give to the world or in a relationship, and many other things. So, the sensations, the time and energy spent getting the drugs, and all the drama created during a drug addiction fills in some of this space. Romantic relationships can serve the same purpose. “At least I have someone” becomes a good enough reason to have casual sex, lower personal standards, take abuse, tolerate awful behavior, and lose trust.
Dating Can Be A Real Distraction For Addiction Recovery
Remember the first time you really really liked a guy? Had a crush on him, or even felt you were falling in love? Let’s face it - this first period of infatuation is totally distracting!! How can you really be in this kind of state AND do the very difficult job of taking a hard honest look at your own life of addiction? Can you truly be accountable to becoming a healthy person when you are still becoming involved with such a huge distraction?
It makes a big difference who you spend time with and why when you are recovering from drug addiction. Dating is no exception. If you’ve only been dating casually, this is the time to declare singleness until you are ready to be a healthy person in a healthy relationship. If you are already dating someone seriously, it’s time for a relationship checkup - why you are together and whether it can handle your sobriety.
Tags: Addiction Recovery, Dating and Addiction Recovery Can Be A Tough Mix
February 24th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I have recently become quite close to someone in a drug and alcohol treatment program. He is a friend, and we met shortly before he went. Rigt before he left when he was having a hard time we started talking and since then (2 months or so) we have gotten quite close through regular phone calls and emails. I would like to be his support when he gets home and am confident I can help - but I have also noticed my feeling for him have gotten deep. I am concerned this may interfere with his recovery if things don’t work out, and am also worried that I may fall for him, and once he is back to a regular routine he may not “need” me so much - and his feelings - the ones I think he has, may diminish. I am a little hesitant but don’t want to sabotage a potentially great relationship - he truly is a sweet man. Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. He will be coming home in April and seeing I am one of VERY few people that don’t drink or use, he is safest with me and I have offered for him to stay with me during this time. I care about him and just want to make sure his transition is a good one. Any feedback would be appreciated.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I think you are quite aware of so many possibilities and risks here - good for you! If he is truly grasping on to sobriety, you are correct - his feelings will be in flux, probably both the good and the bad. He will need people he can depend on, and it seems you realize that you don’t want to interfere or throw something off.
As you indicated, your feelings are based on something that is likely to change, and feelings (as a rule) are lousy indicators of how to make a wise decision.
If you feel like you might not be able to control your own emotionality very well, then you might need to stay less involved. This is not a good time for him to enter into a romantic relationship because he is pretty “empty” and vulnerable, learning how to fill himself up in positive ways. He cannot give in the same way he would when he would be in a stronger point of his recovery.
You might do well to find an Alanon group for yourself, even if you intend to just be a close friend. It will help you understand more of the dynamics of addiction in relationships. Also, he will probably be advised to have a sponsor or attend a support group of some kind. It will be important for those recommendations to be followed.
In all reality, your feelings for each other are secondary to him getting on a good track. I would wonder about your offer for him to stay with you, lines may be blurred. If you think you are more strongly on the friend side, then just be sure you are getting support because it may be challenging. You seem to be a very aware person, which is a good thing. Good luck to each of you.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:11 am
I’ve been seeing a woman for only a couple months now who told me she was 2 years sober from cocaine. As the relationship developed she told me she had lied about her drug of choice (it was really crack). She also went on to tell me that she didn’t see a problem with certain drugs because they weren’t what she had the major addiction with. She agreed not to do ecstasy and acid because I told her I would leave if she did. She still argues the point of them being no big deal. I said that being sober means being sober.
She has never been completely sober. Though she hasn’t done hard drugs in a couple years she still drinks(lightly) and smokes pot(all the time). She surrounds herself with people that are still using. I can now not be a part of some of her life because it will put me around those people. Our last big fight was about her putting me at risk by inviting me to someone’s house for a ski weekend without telling me he was a coke dealer. She is used to this lifestyle. I am not.
My question is- can someone be surrounded by this life and not use?
Can I even consider her done with that life because she is still using other substances?
She will only go to meetings now if it’s for someone else. Is there a way I can make her see she’s still walking down a bad road?
March 31st, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Hi Kris,
It can be so tough to know that your partner is doing such unhealthy things. You know where you stand on using drugs, and you see where she is going with using drugs. Lies, deception, misinformation about very important things all make for an unhealthy relationship. It wouldn’t matter if drugs were involved or not. Those elements don’t allow trust and honest communication to flow. Without those, there can be no chance for a healthy relationship.
I’m not sure you can make her see anything. She will see what she is able to or ready to see, whether you are involved or not. She is not well because she has an addiction mindset. She is using addiction thinking, which doesn’t make sense to a healthy person.
It appears that she is headed for more difficult times in her life. The question is, are you going to suffer the consequences along with her by staying in the relationship? You cannot make her be sober, you cannot make her want to be sober. Even drug rehab cannot make her sober. She has to do it from her own desire and commitment to the process.
I wish there were a less painful answer, but it doesn’t seem she is ready to stop it all and get honest with herself.
Take care.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I have been with someone for 5 years. The first two he was deep into his alcoholism and the last three have been sober. He is really dedicated to his sobriety. We have had a great relationship, I have supported him in everyway possible and loved him very much along the way. He just told me yesterday that he didn’t want to be in a relationship and that he needed time for himself. I’m not completely understanding of that because as I said we had a great relationship. We were doing and planning major house renovations, bought a new puppy and were even trying to get pregnant. Why would he do this after everything was so good? I’m very confused, sad and devastated. I’m desperate for any insight you may have.
June 21st, 2009 at 9:50 am
Well, something must not be quite as great for him as it is for you. I can’t tell you what that is, but you will probably need to find out. Doesn’t sound like you are married from your comments? Was there ever a plan to be married, to be committed for a lifetime together like that? Just saying there may be something about trusting or committing that he just can’t do, either right now or for a long time. You know the situation much better than I do, but at the very least I can tell that something didn’t sit right with him. May not even have to do with you personally, but it’s clearly significant enough to take such a huge step back. If he remains firm on his decision to not be in a relationship, you will need to be ready to accept that at some point. I’m not saying you need to give up immediately without finding out what’s wrong or write him off for good. Give him some space, keep the communication open, and see what happens for a while. I wish you good luck, and I’m sorry I don’t have a clearer answer for you.
November 9th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Hi - I decided to check the feedback and give an update. The man I was speaking about moved in with me and over the last 8 months he has had a few slps and was very close to a full blown relapse just last week. I knew what I was getting into when I met him and still have no regrets. He was going to leave stating we had moved too fast, but it was his excuse to leave and find a place that would be easier for him to use without my close watch. There was nothing I could do to keep him other than contact his family to let them know the situation and do my best to let him know I was still here if he needed me - him leaving lasted only 2 days, he saw what his future held if he went back to that life and came clean with me. We have talked, he is now back with me where we will start again. There were signs over the last 2 months that I should have taken more seriously - such as his sober living routine of meditaing and keeping a journal, little slips that he told me about (mainly because I had to go get him) - he stopped going to the gym, keeping a positive outlook etc etc etc - when there is a change in little things they do, and you are someones support system - I highly recommend taking it very seriously. Besides the few times he has slipped things have been fantastic, each time he has used he has been honest…..after the fact but still our communication is there and he knows he can talk to me. My fingers are crossed that he gets through this completely but I know this will always be something we work on no matter how many years pass.
Melissa - When he left last week his reason was he needed time on his own and that he didn’t love me anymore. He told me this is completely untrue and was trying to push me away…..he didn’t think I deserved the stress he knew he was going to cause me. He also felt panic because we had talked about marriage and having children and this could have beena huge trigger for him. He came back and feel incredibly lucky that he did. This may happen to us again in the future, and although I would never wish a relapse on anyone trying to remain sober - I hope things work out for both of you,k if that is what your partner is going through….. but if you have noticed any changes in his behavior over the last little while, and feel that maybe there is a chance this is a relapse - let him know no matter what that you’ll be there if that is how you feel….. It may not be great advice……I just went through it last week so my mind and heart is still trying to process everything.
All the best to everyone working on living a sober life…..I may not have drank much before - but I know the quality of my life now with absolutley none in it is 10000 times better!
December 10th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Hi. I’ve know this guy for 4 years now. We have been best friends and have always been very interested in each other but it just never worked out where we could be together. I knew the whole time that he smoked pot, because that’s what he told me…and I’m completely naive when it comes to drugs. Anwyays, over the summer he told me he loved me and that we were meant to be together, I blew him off because he was drunk. The next time I talked to him it consisted of me yelling at him about using drugs. A mutual friend told me he was using coke and shooting up Dilauded. He said he had used it some but he wanted to come over to my house to explain…he never showed! I found out two days later that he was arrested, he faced 8 years in jail but they let him got to rehab instead. He called me after a week in rehab, he had been sober for 52 days. He cried and told me how sorry he was for lying to me and how much he cares about me and loves me. We have spoken every day several times for two weeks and I went to see him this past Sunday and our feelings have just gotten stronger. I am really trying to stay levelheaded about this and realize that he is just at the beginning of his transformation. He tells me more and more how much he loves me and how I will never know how much. I just feel lost at the moment. I don’t know if I’m helping or hurting his recovery. I have put np pressure on him, just given him support. He told me he needs me and wants me with him…not physically of course. Am I doing the right thing? I am just trying so hard to not be selfish.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
He is not in a position to be a healthy relationship partner for you or anyone right now. He needs a friend but not a girlfriend. He needs to know that from you, or perhaps you should just back off altogether if that can’t happen. This can be a delicate balance because people can misunderstand what is helpful and what is not. I recommend you attend some Alanon meetings, which are support groups of family members or friends of alcoholics and addicts. They can help you distinguish what is healthy, unhealthy, time to move on, whatever. Much more than I could explain just here. They have been there and can help you understand what you are getting into. Hope that helps.
December 13th, 2010 at 10:13 am
Hi,
I feel like a wreck. I met this girl online who was nearing the end of her rehab for alcoholism. After 3 weeks of talking she moved back and we met. Everything went great and just seemed so wonderful for the first week and a half. We got along and were clearly very attracted to each other. This is even more of a mess because she’s gay and says she doesn’t know who she is and isn’t comfortable with herself. We went out with her best friend/exgf and her new gf to a gay bar. When we walked in she got all weird and distant, pretty much kept away from me all night so I went and danced with her friends gf. Later she told me she just didn’t want to be known as mine… she freaked out inside. She said I didn’t do anything, but I just keep thinking its me. The next day I drove her to an AA meeting and we were supposed to get together to go to a function with some of my coworkers later that eve. She called me and said she couldn’t come, she can’t be in a relationship. I just keep thinking it’s me, and she wants to date others or something.. That’s how gay women are! I’ve given her so many opportunities to just tell me if that’s the real reason because that would make it easy for me to say goodbye. She says no, I’m not listening to her. I feel she seems to be more interested in other people… I’m not sure. I get such mixed feelings. So I begged her to just get together so we could talk in person and she said we could the next day. Which didn’t happen. Instead I got a msg saying how are you thinking about you. Then no response for hours. Then another msg I’ll call you in a bit… nothing for like 6 hrs! Apparently I don’t know what a bit is. Then I get, I’ll call you at 10 if that’s not too late. I saw her friend someone (gotta love facebook) so I figured she can’t be busy. I wait, nothing so I call her.. I’ll call you back in 5.. I wait another 20 mins. Finally, we spoke briefly to make plans to get together to talk today. But while we were talking I kept hearing beeps from the computer, you know msn sounds. Meanwhile she acted like she was so tired and wanted to go to bed. Oh and when we talked she said that I didn’t text her much today. I said well since you didn’t respond I wasn’t going to keep bothering you. She was like oh yeah… sounding confused or something… I just wonder what she’s thinking. If she wants me to chase her, or she wants to keep me on the sideline. She wants to be friends. I haven’t had feelings for anyone in 2-3 yrs and now I feel hurt. I’m so lost.
December 13th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Some things I forgot… She would tell me she cried on the bus a couple times. She’d be upset during the day but whenever we got together she said I made her feel so happy. She’s living with her mom since just coming back so seeing as i have a house to myself she asked if i wanted a roomate… this is after like a week. I wasn’t sure.. I told her my issues. I’ve never lived with anyone. I was hesitant but it would grow on me in time. I felt i wanted her with me. But then she said her dad wants her to move in and she was all confused about what to do. But I think rethought moving with me.. as a bad idea… unhealthy to jump into something like that with someone you just met.
January 15th, 2011 at 10:47 am
Despite all the heart ache you’re going through, it sounds like you’re still maintaining boundaries and keeping things in perspective. Taking it slow is always a good idea and rushing into something big like moving in together is a definite “no.” Give her space and focus on what you need to do keep yourself emotionally safe. When and if she’s ready - if you’re still interested - she’ll come to you.
March 29th, 2011 at 9:26 am
My boyfriend I have been dating for two years used to smoke weed and take pills. Well he quit it all when I became pregnant and told him his addiction or me and his child. I had a miscarriage about six months ago. In the past two days he has been mad at the world and told me he hated me and didn’t want me anymore. We live with his mama so we are thinking he is coming down from loratabs he has never acted this way. I told him im always here for him so I have been sleeping on the couch so he realizes im here and I love him. I just don’t know what to do is this normal for someone to act like this coming off of loratabs
April 6th, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Starr, irritability and intense anger are some of the issues that recovering addicts have to deal with when they are detoxing - but it’s also common when people are actively abusing their drug of choice. It could also be a grief response after losing the baby or a response to something else going on in his life. It’s impossible to say and, honestly, it isn’t as important to figure out why someone is treating you badly than to prioritize your own emotional health and wellbeing. Take care of yourself first. No one else will do it for you.
June 8th, 2011 at 10:37 pm
hi my name is james and im 21. I’ve been in recovery from a dual diagnosis (anxiety/depression and marijuana addiction, previously ecstacy 5 years ago) for 6 months now. I moved to a new place and started fresh, work full time, pay car payments, work out and have new friends. I still deal with depression and anxiety but probably a quarter of what is was like 3-4 months ago and I believe thats something i will be dealing with indefinetly. I have no desire to use whatsoever, no desire to smoke or drink even though I have been in situations where I could have been triggered. I feel as though I am loving myself and getting much more comfortable with myself lately and Ive been talking to this guy and we kinda like eachother. I feel like this relationship could be long term possible marriage. after coming out of the exstacy addiction 5 years ago I went straight into a longterm relationship severly insecure which led to jelously and physical/emotional abuse. My question is do you think I have enough doubt to pass this oppertunity up at a possible life partner in the chance i lose myself again and screw up?
October 8th, 2011 at 2:49 am
I have been talking to this girl which I am certain is in a Recovery Center For Drugs, and Alcohol. I am not sure what she is in there for but I think it is alcohol. I drink myself but I do not like to get drunk, and could cut a lot of my drinking habits out of my life for her. I do like to have a beer now and then in a normal fashion. Sometimes I go to a bar just to catch up with a longtime friend that is actually a bar tender. I remember this girl telling me her ex boyfriend drank too much. I have been guilty of doing the same thing but when I go steady with women I don’t a point in drinking all the time or even in an abusive manner. I would even go to the recovery center with her to discuss my past experiences with alcohol and drugs. I have never had any serious addictions other than cigarettes, and the last thing I want to do is contribute to a relapse especially for somebody I could get involved with in a long term relationship. I would have no problem having a good time sober doing whatever she wants with her or her kid. But I just don’t want to be subject to any scrutiny for being normal. I even smoke Marijuana occasionally but only when I know its an appropriate time. How should I go about this situation considering the facts. Should I just be a sober blank the rest of my life, and cut out all the events I go to that are around alcohol or marijuana. I would if I had too but I rather just live a normal responsible life, and I rather be around her than being drunk anytime. Plus I think I would be a good person to talk to help her feel normal again without feeling guilty by practicing sobriety. I have tons of friends with completely sober spouses but they still drink a little and smoke a little, and don’t have any problems. But this is different because this girl is from a recovery center?
October 20th, 2011 at 8:33 pm
I’ve been in a relationship with a recovering heroin addict for the past nine months. The first half of our relationship was hard because he was still using and I was trying to help him quit. Anyway, he finally quit cold-turkey and has been sober for the past 4 1/2 months. During that time, we were staying with his mother and we’ve been very happy. He’s always treated me right, even while he was using. Anyway, now he is moving back to the Hawaii, where he is from, and he doesn’t want me to come with him right away. He’s had many people tell him he shouldn’t be in a relationship while recovering, and he wants to make sure he stays clean. So he says he needs time for himself to figure out who he is and he needs to focus on himself right now. But,…he doesn’t want to break up. Basically he wants to be long-distance for a few months, and then I’m supposed to move to Hawaii to be with him. We did not make the choice to move to Hawaii together. He told me he was going there with or without me. I love him but I don’t know if I should be waiting for him like this. How do I know that when we get back together he’ll be ready to treat me like a partner instead of just continuing to only think about him? I really feel like we are great together, but not considering my needs is a deal breaker. Will it always be part of his personality to be selfish or is it temporary? He says that once he takes time for himself he would be glad to start making choices together. But, he’ll always be an addict. So doesn’t that mean he’ll always be looking out for himself first? This is all so new to me. I’ve never done ANY drugs because I’ve never wanted to. I drink occasionally but hardly at all. I’m just scared. I’m scared to stay with him now because if he continues to make decisions without me, I’ll have wasted a lot of time and energy and made a ton of sacrifices for nothing. But I’m also scared to leave him because we really are happy together and I don’t want to give up on something that could last many years, if not forever. I would love some advice.