If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes: Why You Keep Ending Up in The Same Types of Relationships
Okay, Okay. So, you’ve heard your friends complain about it. And maybe you’re guilty of it, too: you keep ending up in the same types of relationships and you can’t understand why. Well, before we go into the “Why?” it’s important to stop beating yourself up about it and realize that the beauty of dating is that it can serve as a mirror, showing us what it is we need to work on in ourselves. So, for example, a woman who needs to learn to love herself will attract people who are unable or unwilling to give. Once you realize that who you tend to date can serve this really important purpose for you, the sooner you can recognize how you can grow, change, and shift in order to start attracting the “right” kind of people into your life.
So, if nothing changes, nothing changes: why you keep ending up in the same types of relationships, try taking a look at it like this. Here are 4 things that are going on that keep you in the same relationship holding pattern.
Refuse to Learn from Mistakes
Women keep ending up in the same types of relationships because we don’t learn from past mistakes. You will continue the same pattern of dating until you are ready and willing to do the personal work that’s required in order to make a change and break this cycle. It’s true, this kind of work is tough because it means you have to face your inner demons and fears of being alone.
You Have Old Scars
We all have them to some extent and our old scars from childhood and past relationships will continue to attract us to the same kind of partner over and over again. This is an actual thing and it’s known as the “repetition compulsion.”
First, our unconscious mind has us choose someone who emotionally resembles the parent who let us down or harmed us. In a lot of ways, our partners are like our parent, and soon enough, we are reliving the worst parts of our childhood. This happens because, on some level, we are trying to resolve that old scar and achieve our happy ever after. Unfortunately, this rarely occurs, because the partner we chose – who reminds of us our parent – is “damaged” or limited in the same way our parent was, making it impossible for them to give us any more or any better than our parents did.
The relationship is perpetuated or a new one, just like it is then sought because we don’t want to give that partner up. By doing that, it would somehow mean that we have given up any hope of healing. The only way out of this painful and damaging cycle is to heal the old scar.
Another reason you keep ending up in the same types of relationships is likely due to low self-esteem and/or poor self-image. You know the expression “Like attracts like?” Well, ‘bad boys’ also usually have a damaged self-image, too. As a result, women choose partners who match their own damaged sense of self-worth. In these instances, we tend to end up with partners who cheat, who are abusive, or who are abusive. Women who end up in these kinds of relationships often think that they can somehow “fix” their partner or love him until he is whole again. In doing so, they are looking for a source of self-esteem but, this is absolutely not the way to improve your self-esteem.
It’s Familiar and Therefore Comfortable
You know that expression: “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone,” well, it’s true. When we just continue to do what’s familiar and comfortable, we will never grow or change. And this is true when it comes to breaking the dating patterns we have established. We attract the same kind of partner over and over because it feels familiar. So, even though you might recognize that you seem to always attract a certain “type,” such as the emotionally unavailable guy, the ‘bad boy,’ abusers, or controllers, it takes an conscious effort to do something about it. It’s not enough to take a break before dating the next guy who comes along. It’s time to do that self-work as well as be willing to step outside of what’s familiar.
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