You’ve hardly gone a few weeks without a boyfriend since you were in high school.  Even through all your drug addiction problems, you’ve had a few steady guys.  So now that you are trying to stay sober, you’ve been hearing that you are better off single.  Nobody needs to tell you what to do with your love life.  Why all the fuss?

Why Are You Dating During Addiction And Recovery

First, I want to ask you a deceptively simple question.  Why do you have or want a boyfriend?  Do you just want someone around to have fun?  Are you in it for a sexual relationship?  Do you want to get married soon?  This is important to understand right from the start.  And once you think you know what your true answer is, your path during addiction recovery can become more clear to you. 

Let’s look at an example.  If you are in a serious relationship wanting to get married, your alcohol addiction has probably been a source of pain and conflict.  Your recovery period is an important time of becoming well and being sure you are still even wanting to get married anytime soon.  If sobriety has made you uncertain that you are ready for such a commitment, it’s best to figure it out now.  By the same token, if your relationship has become more certain and stable from your addiction recovery journey, you might feel more ready than ever before.  It is really hard to know until you ask yourself this question directly and honestly. 

Dating Can Sometimes Fill Up Drug Addiction Emptiness

Some women going through addiction recovery have a kind of “V-8″ experience.  It truly dawns on them that they have made some poor choices when it comes to men.  The string of boyfriends one after the other, the drama, the pain of rejection when they move on or cheat, etc.  “So that’s why I’ve had such lousy luck with men - I picked them when I was doing drugs.” 

Addiction always comes with a vast feeling of emptiness.  Lack of purpose, lack of understanding your own feelings, lack of confidence, lack of feeling acceptance from others, lack of something to give to the world or in a relationship, and many other things.  So, the sensations, the time and energy spent getting the drugs, and all the drama created during a drug addiction fills in some of this space.  Romantic relationships can serve the same purpose.  “At least I have someone” becomes a good enough reason to have casual sex, lower personal standards, take abuse, tolerate awful behavior, and lose trust.

Dating Can Be A Real Distraction For Addiction Recovery

Remember the first time you really really liked a guy?  Had a crush on him, or even felt you were falling in love?  Let’s face it - this first period of infatuation is totally distracting!!  How can you really be in this kind of state AND do the very difficult job of taking a hard honest look at your own life of addiction?  Can you truly be accountable to becoming a healthy person when you are still becoming involved with such a huge distraction? 

It makes a big difference who you spend time with and why when you are recovering from drug addiction.  Dating is no exception.  If you’ve only been dating casually, this is the time to declare singleness until you are ready to be a healthy person in a healthy relationship.  If you are already dating someone seriously, it’s time for a relationship checkup - why you are together and whether it can handle your sobriety.

You know you can’t give in to your drug addiction - sober living has given you the first peace you’ve really known.  One day a drinking party develops at your friend’s house and you have no way home, the next your mom kicks you out of their house “forever” because you argued, and now your friends insist you just need a new boyfriend to cheer you up (every other boyfriend has been a drug addict).  What’s next?  How is a woman able to get through this mine field every day to stay sober?

A Friend’s Party Is A Big Threat To Your Addiction Recovery

Let’s take a look at the first example - a party that suddenly develops at your friend’s house.  First, we need to ask a few tough questions.  How much of a surprise is it (really) that your friend would be having a party?  Does he or she simply not understand your situation?  Or could you have picked a different friend to spend time with right now?

These questions are not meant to instill guilt and blame, just to make you think.  If you ask some of these tough questions about your friends and social situations, you may be able to keep yourself away from predictable risks and problems.

Losing Your Cool Can Lead To Addiction Relapse

You and your dad have a pretty big argument today.  You’ve crashed there several nights the last few weeks while trying to sober up.  Your roommate drinks a lot too, and it’s too hard to be around her every day.  Your dad says he wants whatever is best for you, but he refuses to take the alcohol out of his house while you are staying there.

You and he may not see eye to eye, but you may need to put aside your intense emotions for a little while.  It doesn’t mean you should ignore the problems.  But keeping your focus on negative situations all day long will put you at risk for addiction relapse.  When you feel your emotions taking over, step away and get yourself distracted until you can calm down.

Dating Too Soon Can Draw You Back Into A Drug Addiction

Among your friends you’ve been known to date quite a lot.  You are not single very long before you have someone new in your life.  The problem now is this - you only dated alcoholics and drug addicts.  You are trying to live a sober life and your friends keep trying to hook you up.  Even though they mean well, you know that a boyfriend would just be too much for you. 

You know that you have been trying to fill in a huge empty space in yourself with drugs, alcohol, and bad relationships.  Tell them you know they mean well, but you just aren’t able to have a boyfriend right now.   If you need to, tell them how a boyfriend would be a distraction to your addiction recovery.  This should get the attention of a true friend wanting only the best for you.

There are many more potential pitfalls on the road to addiction recovery.  These are just a few samples of what you might encounter.  The first several weeks and months of sobriety are so critical.  With a lot of support and alcohol or drug rehab, you can start your addiction recovery on the right foot.  You’ll have many tools to help you resist relapse every single day.

What if you had a treasure chest that provided a lifetime of discovery and riches?  Well, you have it when you embrace addiction recovery.  No, I’m not talking gold pieces and tattered treasure maps.  The endless possibilities of self discovery during the recovery process is enough to keep a woman occupied and refreshed for her whole life.

Self Discovery is Not Perfect

Self-discovery can be a tricky thing.  And quite frankly, you can actually work too hard at it - trying to be “perfect”, trying to be just like that person, reaching a goal as if it is the final destination.  All of that is the pursuit of perfectionism in some way - all or nothing.  If you have succumb to an addiction, that black-and-white attitude is what help you get there in the first place.  Imperfect self-discovery is better than no self discovery at all.

Taking just one more baby step is good enough for now.  It takes quite a bit of energy, time, and focus to incorporate even a seemingly minor observation into daily observance and practice.  It’s very difficult to really become a drastically different person in a short amount of time, such as with drug rehab.  You may do some important things differently when you are ready to go back home.  But in order to become that, you need to live it daily for a long time.  The old habits gradually fade as they are replaced by the new ones.

Relapse Is Self Discovery Goldmine

Addiction behaviors, thoughts, and emotions are stubborn creatures.  They are deeply rooted and don’t like to get pushed out of the limelight.  That’s why it’s so important for anyone in recovery to be ever vigilant about the slight turns of thought or subtle emotion shifts that can lead to relapse.  An ongoing dedication to self-discovery is a great antidote for relapse. 

Let’s be clear - relapse is always likely to happen at least a few times for someone who’s had an addiction.  But good self awareness and discovery can certainly help.  Relapse is not a sign of failure or fatal character flaws - it is simply a part of the process.  Really, it means you still have more to learn about yourself, your daily experience, and your environment. 

What have you still blinded your eyes to?  What old idea still lingers in your mind?  Is there a friend you spend time with that you really should stay clear of?  Have you been lax in your self care routines?  When you see it through a self-discovery lens, addiction relapse is a goldmine of opportunities for self discovery. 

Self-discovery is not pretty some of the time.  It can make you feel ill, it can make you disgusted with yourself, you might endure horrible embarrassment.  When it seems the most bleak, just listen - listen to the voice underneath all the emotional “yuck” trying to speak the truth.  When you have the courage to listen to that voice, it will give you just what you need to move forward.

Addiction Recovery for Women

Addiction recovery isn’t an easy journey.  If you find yourself reading this and realizing that your life has gotten out of control from addiction, it’s time to start anew.  The Orchid Recovery for Women understands how to help you make the most of your rehab experience.  The staff understands the needs and challenges of drug addiction as experienced by women.  Self discovery awaits you when you are ready to look for it.