Orchid Recovery Center is on the Radio

In advance of the upcoming (April 30th) feature on ABC-TV’s long running news program 20/20, The founder of The Orchid Recovery Center for Women, Julie Queler recently appeared on the popular Internet radio network, TheFlyPod.com New Media Network.

During her interview, Julie had a chance to discuss not only the center’s upcoming appearance on the show, but also share fascinating insights about the signs and symptoms of addiction, the differences between men and women when it comes to addiction, and why women benefit so greatly from gender-specific care.

The Orchid treats Women with Hidden Alcoholism

Currently one of the most talked-about phenomenon in the world of addiction is “Hidden Alcoholism” in women. The problem surrounds high functioning women who have been able to hide their addiction to alcohol from those closest to them - ever their spouses and children – and how this secrecy can lead to disastrous results as the woman slips deeper and deeper into her addiction as she becomes more adept at hiding her behavior.

20/20 has chosen to focus on Hidden Alcoholism because of its importance to our families – and selected The Orchid because of its outstanding alcohol rehab program and its history of helping women heal and come to terms with their addiction.

Sarah, a fictitious 9 year old girl, gets a letter from her mom who’s in drug rehab for prescription drug addiction after an accident.  Sarah is excited and sad as she reads the letter. 

Letter From Mom in Drug Rehab

(Smiling) My mom wrote sent me a letter and it came today!  I’m so excited!  She’s still up in her drug rehab place that’s really far away, and she’s been there for almost a month now.  I was thinking it might be forever before she could write to me so I can’t wait to get it open.

“Dear Sarah-bear,

Hi sweet pea, it’s Mommy.  How are you?  I miss you so much you couldn’t even imagine it.  I think about you and daddy every day I’m here.  I am lonely for you, but I am with some very nice people here and that helps. 

I wish I could have written to you a little sooner.  I wasn’t feeling very good when I first got here.  I had to stop taking the medicine that was hurting my body.  I felt like a had a bad cold with a headache, cough, achy muscles, even an upset stomach sometimes.  I did a lot of resting and wishing that I felt better.  Finally last week I was able to stay out of bed most of the day, and feel good walking around and doing things. 

Peaceful Surroundings of Drug Rehab

This drug rehab place is like a big beautiful house.  It’s not like I’m on a vacation, but the inside and outside are peaceful and nice to be in.  Being in a beautiful place has helped me when my body and feelings felt so bad.

I want you to know, Sarah, that you are such a great kid.  I’m so sorry about everything that happened with me and the medicine.  I know you’ve missed me a lot - nothing’s been the same since my car accident.  You’ve had to be such a big kid, even though you didn’t really understand what was happening. 

I’m sorry I was not there for you.  I was there in the house, but I didn’t let you be with me much.  I didn’t let Daddy talk to me much either.  I didn’t know the medicine was doing such bad things to me until I went here to drug rehab.  Please know that I love you so much and I never meant to make you feel so lonely.

Kind People Helping Each Other in Drug Rehab

There are other people like me staying at drug rehab with the same kinds of problems.  Some of them have kids and families, some don’t.  All of them feel sad about how things went before they got here.  I can talk to them about my feelings and how I’m going to be better when I come back home.  I can’t promise that things will be perfect when I come back, but they will be much better.  I want that very much.

I am going to exercise outside today next to the ocean.  It helps me to feel relaxed, and I can also think about you when I’m out there.  I can’t wait to come home to you, but I’m not quite done here yet.  I will write to you again.  I have a picture of you and I tell you goodnight every time I go to bed.  I’ll be saving up some hugs for you.

Love always,
Mommy

Women get two opportunities to have a warm mother-daughter relationship, both as a daughter and as a mother.  This bond is so special because it goes beyond gender and generation.  It is a connection that feeds the souls of both mother and daughter.  Drug addiction can seriously damage a mother’s ability to be there for her daughter.  When this happens, drug rehab can help. 

What Do Girls Get From Their Moms

Before we really understand what girls lose by having addicted mothers, we need to look at what a girl gets from a healthy mother-daughter relationship.  First, they have a role model interacting with them in their home.  Girls certainly don’t agree with everything about their mother (no, really!), but they do pick up on many clues about being a woman.  They learn about being good friend to other girls and women, handling emotions, being a partner or spouse with someone, personal confidence and goals, family priorities, staying feminine yet strong, and more. 

Girls with good mother-daughter relationships also have direct access to someone who’s walked the journey of girlhood to womanhood.  This is a richly rewarding yet sometimes trecherous path.  A little understanding and help can go a long way for a frustrated emotional girl.   Even as adults, woman often see their mothers as a source of guidance and wisdom.  You never really stop being your mother’s daughter - a strong relationship can have lifelong effects. 

When Addicted Moms Don’t Go To Drug Rehab Girls Miss a Lot

When this critical influence is missing or damaged, a girl can experience much greater insecurity about her identity and her social environment.  If she is lucky, another strong female family member or family friend can step in.  This doesn’t always happen, unfortunately.  And if a family system has a history of addiction, a girl may have trouble finding that strong healthy woman.  Relationships are far more volatile and fragile when addiction has infected nearly every branch of a family tree.  In this situation, a girl may simply have to forge on without a definitive female mother figure. 

Mothers with addiction may still live in the same home as their children as they grow.  However, unless they have been to drug rehab, they are likely to be a shell of a parent.  Parents rarely have harmful intentions for their children.  But mothers with addiction are very often unable to be consistent, to connect well emotionally, and to provide the positive example they know their daughters need.  To know your child needs vital things you cannot provide is to know deep pain and shame.

Drug Treatment Can Help Mother Daughter Relationships

If you are a mother and you struggle with addiction, it is not too late.  Even if your children are into their teens, it is still possible to turn your family life around by going to a drug treatment center.  Your children need you as a healthy mother, especially daughters who look to you as their main role model. 

Daughters of addicted mothers, you can also help your moms understand the importance of drug treatment.  You’ve probably felt the emptiness in your heart for a long time, and you know a good relationship with your mom is what you need.  Tell her about going to drug treatment, help her find the way.

 A young woman had been an alcoholic for longer than she realized.  She had the deck stacked against her in so many ways, it’s not surprising she had this coming.  The following is a fictional story, but every woman with addiction can probably find themselves somewhere in it.  Where do you fit in? 

Real progress on the path comes from the blessings of the guru, and these blessings are sparked by your devotion.

Finding Peace In The Storm Of Alcoholism

Alcoholism And Family History

Family history of alcoholism - check.  As anyone with alcoholic parents knows, a family with alcoholism is no healthy family.  Children often become the parents and vice-versa.  The one steady parent resents the “free pass” the other parent seems to have for family responsibility, marital problems, and financial stability. 

Too much responsibility for a young girl to take on - check.  This young woman grew up expecting chaos and mixed-up family roles.  As the oldest child in the family, she became the mom to her younger siblings.  No counting on her own mom for much.  She worked constantly and went out with friends because she just “had to get out of the house”.  

Like her father, this young girl had untreated mental illness.  She had bipolar disorder, creating periods of severe ups and downs in her mood.  A few weeks at a time she might be going all the time, having racing thoughts, and trouble getting to sleep.  The next few weeks she could have trouble even getting out of bed, little hope in life, and hardly any motivation.  

Alcoholism And The Facade Hid Mental Illness

Inside, she was breaking apart.  She was disconnected from her parents in different ways.  Her alcoholic father never went to alcohol rehab or even AA to deal with his drinking.  Her mother was constantly gone.  She herself has come close to having an addiction herself as of late. 

Her bipolar seemed to really have a mind of its own when she was in college.  She increasingly used alcohol as a way to calm herself when she was manic and soothe the pain when she was depressed.  As a young adult, she had a long-term relationship with a guy who mostly had her around for sexual encounters.  There was no respect here, but to her it was at least better than being alone. 

One time, she was raped by this guy.  She was so embarassed and ashamed, in so much pain.  She got seriously drunk a few times, and once she was taken to the hospital by a friend because she passed out and had taken a large amount of over-the-counter sleeping pills. 

The doctors told her she needed to go to alcohol treatment right away.  She had come close to dying because of the amount of alcohol and pills in her system.  She was ashamed to know she was turning out just like her parents with their drinking, but she did know that something had to change.  She couldn’t go on like this anymore. 

After Alcohol Rehab A Life Coming Back Together

Slowly but surely, she started to turn her life around in alcohol rehab.  She was prescribed medication to help her with her bipolar disorder, which finally helped her feel more normal than she could remember in years.   Opening up about her addiction and the rape was hard for her.  But the staff and the other women at the alcohol rehab center were so understanding. 

She finally felt a bit of peace in her heart and learned much more about how she had been drowning her horrible feelings in alcohol.  When her alcohol rehab stay ended, she knew she still had a long journey ahead.  But for the first time, she had a new vision for a better life.

You’ve hardly gone a few weeks without a boyfriend since you were in high school.  Even through all your drug addiction problems, you’ve had a few steady guys.  So now that you are trying to stay sober, you’ve been hearing that you are better off single.  Nobody needs to tell you what to do with your love life.  Why all the fuss?

Why Are You Dating During Addiction And Recovery

First, I want to ask you a deceptively simple question.  Why do you have or want a boyfriend?  Do you just want someone around to have fun?  Are you in it for a sexual relationship?  Do you want to get married soon?  This is important to understand right from the start.  And once you think you know what your true answer is, your path during addiction recovery can become more clear to you. 

Let’s look at an example.  If you are in a serious relationship wanting to get married, your alcohol addiction has probably been a source of pain and conflict.  Your recovery period is an important time of becoming well and being sure you are still even wanting to get married anytime soon.  If sobriety has made you uncertain that you are ready for such a commitment, it’s best to figure it out now.  By the same token, if your relationship has become more certain and stable from your addiction recovery journey, you might feel more ready than ever before.  It is really hard to know until you ask yourself this question directly and honestly. 

Dating Can Sometimes Fill Up Drug Addiction Emptiness

Some women going through addiction recovery have a kind of “V-8″ experience.  It truly dawns on them that they have made some poor choices when it comes to men.  The string of boyfriends one after the other, the drama, the pain of rejection when they move on or cheat, etc.  “So that’s why I’ve had such lousy luck with men - I picked them when I was doing drugs.” 

Addiction always comes with a vast feeling of emptiness.  Lack of purpose, lack of understanding your own feelings, lack of confidence, lack of feeling acceptance from others, lack of something to give to the world or in a relationship, and many other things.  So, the sensations, the time and energy spent getting the drugs, and all the drama created during a drug addiction fills in some of this space.  Romantic relationships can serve the same purpose.  “At least I have someone” becomes a good enough reason to have casual sex, lower personal standards, take abuse, tolerate awful behavior, and lose trust.

Dating Can Be A Real Distraction For Addiction Recovery

Remember the first time you really really liked a guy?  Had a crush on him, or even felt you were falling in love?  Let’s face it - this first period of infatuation is totally distracting!!  How can you really be in this kind of state AND do the very difficult job of taking a hard honest look at your own life of addiction?  Can you truly be accountable to becoming a healthy person when you are still becoming involved with such a huge distraction? 

It makes a big difference who you spend time with and why when you are recovering from drug addiction.  Dating is no exception.  If you’ve only been dating casually, this is the time to declare singleness until you are ready to be a healthy person in a healthy relationship.  If you are already dating someone seriously, it’s time for a relationship checkup - why you are together and whether it can handle your sobriety.