Sarah, a fictitious 9 year old girl, gets a letter from her mom who’s in drug rehab for prescription drug addiction after an accident.  Sarah is excited and sad as she reads the letter. 

Letter From Mom in Drug Rehab

(Smiling) My mom wrote sent me a letter and it came today!  I’m so excited!  She’s still up in her drug rehab place that’s really far away, and she’s been there for almost a month now.  I was thinking it might be forever before she could write to me so I can’t wait to get it open.

“Dear Sarah-bear,

Hi sweet pea, it’s Mommy.  How are you?  I miss you so much you couldn’t even imagine it.  I think about you and daddy every day I’m here.  I am lonely for you, but I am with some very nice people here and that helps. 

I wish I could have written to you a little sooner.  I wasn’t feeling very good when I first got here.  I had to stop taking the medicine that was hurting my body.  I felt like a had a bad cold with a headache, cough, achy muscles, even an upset stomach sometimes.  I did a lot of resting and wishing that I felt better.  Finally last week I was able to stay out of bed most of the day, and feel good walking around and doing things. 

Peaceful Surroundings of Drug Rehab

This drug rehab place is like a big beautiful house.  It’s not like I’m on a vacation, but the inside and outside are peaceful and nice to be in.  Being in a beautiful place has helped me when my body and feelings felt so bad.

I want you to know, Sarah, that you are such a great kid.  I’m so sorry about everything that happened with me and the medicine.  I know you’ve missed me a lot - nothing’s been the same since my car accident.  You’ve had to be such a big kid, even though you didn’t really understand what was happening. 

I’m sorry I was not there for you.  I was there in the house, but I didn’t let you be with me much.  I didn’t let Daddy talk to me much either.  I didn’t know the medicine was doing such bad things to me until I went here to drug rehab.  Please know that I love you so much and I never meant to make you feel so lonely.

Kind People Helping Each Other in Drug Rehab

There are other people like me staying at drug rehab with the same kinds of problems.  Some of them have kids and families, some don’t.  All of them feel sad about how things went before they got here.  I can talk to them about my feelings and how I’m going to be better when I come back home.  I can’t promise that things will be perfect when I come back, but they will be much better.  I want that very much.

I am going to exercise outside today next to the ocean.  It helps me to feel relaxed, and I can also think about you when I’m out there.  I can’t wait to come home to you, but I’m not quite done here yet.  I will write to you again.  I have a picture of you and I tell you goodnight every time I go to bed.  I’ll be saving up some hugs for you.

Love always,
Mommy

Women get two opportunities to have a warm mother-daughter relationship, both as a daughter and as a mother.  This bond is so special because it goes beyond gender and generation.  It is a connection that feeds the souls of both mother and daughter.  Drug addiction can seriously damage a mother’s ability to be there for her daughter.  When this happens, drug rehab can help. 

What Do Girls Get From Their Moms

Before we really understand what girls lose by having addicted mothers, we need to look at what a girl gets from a healthy mother-daughter relationship.  First, they have a role model interacting with them in their home.  Girls certainly don’t agree with everything about their mother (no, really!), but they do pick up on many clues about being a woman.  They learn about being good friend to other girls and women, handling emotions, being a partner or spouse with someone, personal confidence and goals, family priorities, staying feminine yet strong, and more. 

Girls with good mother-daughter relationships also have direct access to someone who’s walked the journey of girlhood to womanhood.  This is a richly rewarding yet sometimes trecherous path.  A little understanding and help can go a long way for a frustrated emotional girl.   Even as adults, woman often see their mothers as a source of guidance and wisdom.  You never really stop being your mother’s daughter - a strong relationship can have lifelong effects. 

When Addicted Moms Don’t Go To Drug Rehab Girls Miss a Lot

When this critical influence is missing or damaged, a girl can experience much greater insecurity about her identity and her social environment.  If she is lucky, another strong female family member or family friend can step in.  This doesn’t always happen, unfortunately.  And if a family system has a history of addiction, a girl may have trouble finding that strong healthy woman.  Relationships are far more volatile and fragile when addiction has infected nearly every branch of a family tree.  In this situation, a girl may simply have to forge on without a definitive female mother figure. 

Mothers with addiction may still live in the same home as their children as they grow.  However, unless they have been to drug rehab, they are likely to be a shell of a parent.  Parents rarely have harmful intentions for their children.  But mothers with addiction are very often unable to be consistent, to connect well emotionally, and to provide the positive example they know their daughters need.  To know your child needs vital things you cannot provide is to know deep pain and shame.

Drug Treatment Can Help Mother Daughter Relationships

If you are a mother and you struggle with addiction, it is not too late.  Even if your children are into their teens, it is still possible to turn your family life around by going to a drug treatment center.  Your children need you as a healthy mother, especially daughters who look to you as their main role model. 

Daughters of addicted mothers, you can also help your moms understand the importance of drug treatment.  You’ve probably felt the emptiness in your heart for a long time, and you know a good relationship with your mom is what you need.  Tell her about going to drug treatment, help her find the way.

A woman I know had been an alcoholic for longer than she realized.  She had the deck stacked against her in so many ways, it’s not surprising she had this coming.  In fact, one would wonder how she had any hope at all of restoring her life to the dreams she had as a young girl.  It’s one woman’s story, but every woman with addiction has a part of this story.  Where do you fit in? 

Alcoholism And Family Problems

Family history of alcoholism - check.  As anyone with alcoholic parents knows, a family with alcoholism is no healthy family.  Children often become the parents and vice-versa.  The one steady parent resents the “free pass” the other parent seems to have for family responsibility, marital problems, and financial stability. 

Too much responsibility for a young girl to take on - check.  This young woman grew up expecting chaos and mixed-up family roles.  As a teenager, she became the mom to her youngest brothers.  No counting on her own mom for much.  She was busy reclaiming her social freedom after the divorce.  Her mom had felt like she was in a cage for so long, she just let loose.  

Like her father, this woman had untreated mental illness.  She had some serious periods of anxiety and depression.  No wonder since she was attending college and acting like a parent.  Her weight began to creep up, her drinking increased, and her love life got out of control.  Judgement began to go out the window on a regular basis.  But since she did very well in school, it appeared that things were really OK. 

Alcoholism And The Facade Hid Mental Illness

Inside, she was breaking apart.  Her father was alcoholic and was disconnected.  He never went to alcohol rehab or even AA to deal with his drinking.  Her mother was like an out of control teen.  She had a few family members to turn to, but most of them were ignorant of their own drinking problems.  They certainly didn’t help her find reality or show self awareness. 

So as a young adult, she had dramatic relationships with men that treat her poorly and get together for physical pleasure only.  Not surprisingly, she spent most of her time with these guys when she was drunk.  She often felt torn, defeated, and like yesterday’s newspaper. 

One last thing - she finally got a great job highlighting her best talents and favorite tasks.  She was quickly promoted to a position with more responsibility.  While she liked the move, she was terrified of leadership.  Too much to expect from her since she had, at best, a blurry sense of self at the time.

As you would expect, it all came to the forefront in a late night car accident.  She was charged with a DUI and went on a long harrowing journey.  It cost her money, dignity, legal problems, social limitations, time at an alcohol treatment center, and uncovered the resurgence of her depression.  However, she took her alcohol treatment to heart. 

After Alcohol Rehab A Life Coming Back Together

Slowly but surely, she has been building her life back.  She puts on one small piece at a time, sometimes after her foundation gets shaken up for a while.  She is persistent, renewing her attempts to keep moving forward.  She still faces many challenges, including an unresolved problem with food and bouts with anxiety and depression.  But she truly knows the significance of the journey she’s made.  She went through alcohol rehab program and came out with new hope and vision.

You’ve hardly gone a few weeks without a boyfriend since you were in high school.  Even through all your drug addiction problems, you’ve had a few steady guys.  So now that you are trying to stay sober, you’ve been hearing that you are better off single.  Nobody needs to tell you what to do with your love life.  Why all the fuss?

Why Are You Dating During Addiction And Recovery

First, I want to ask you a deceptively simple question.  Why do you have or want a boyfriend?  Do you just want someone around to have fun?  Are you in it for a sexual relationship?  Do you want to get married soon?  This is important to understand right from the start.  And once you think you know what your true answer is, your path during addiction recovery can become more clear to you. 

Let’s look at an example.  If you are in a serious relationship wanting to get married, your alcohol addiction has probably been a source of pain and conflict.  Your recovery period is an important time of becoming well and being sure you are still even wanting to get married anytime soon.  If sobriety has made you uncertain that you are ready for such a commitment, it’s best to figure it out now.  By the same token, if your relationship has become more certain and stable from your addiction recovery journey, you might feel more ready than ever before.  It is really hard to know until you ask yourself this question directly and honestly. 

Dating Can Sometimes Fill Up Drug Addiction Emptiness

Some women going through addiction recovery have a kind of “V-8″ experience.  It truly dawns on them that they have made some poor choices when it comes to men.  The string of boyfriends one after the other, the drama, the pain of rejection when they move on or cheat, etc.  “So that’s why I’ve had such lousy luck with men - I picked them when I was doing drugs.” 

Addiction always comes with a vast feeling of emptiness.  Lack of purpose, lack of understanding your own feelings, lack of confidence, lack of feeling acceptance from others, lack of something to give to the world or in a relationship, and many other things.  So, the sensations, the time and energy spent getting the drugs, and all the drama created during a drug addiction fills in some of this space.  Romantic relationships can serve the same purpose.  “At least I have someone” becomes a good enough reason to have casual sex, lower personal standards, take abuse, tolerate awful behavior, and lose trust.

Dating Can Be A Real Distraction For Addiction Recovery

Remember the first time you really really liked a guy?  Had a crush on him, or even felt you were falling in love?  Let’s face it - this first period of infatuation is totally distracting!!  How can you really be in this kind of state AND do the very difficult job of taking a hard honest look at your own life of addiction?  Can you truly be accountable to becoming a healthy person when you are still becoming involved with such a huge distraction? 

It makes a big difference who you spend time with and why when you are recovering from drug addiction.  Dating is no exception.  If you’ve only been dating casually, this is the time to declare singleness until you are ready to be a healthy person in a healthy relationship.  If you are already dating someone seriously, it’s time for a relationship checkup - why you are together and whether it can handle your sobriety.

You are just one of those people with a temper. It gets a lot worse when you are high and drunk. People have told you when a jerk you are, and you’ve gotten in trouble with the law a few times from it too. You know you should get it under control, but you have no idea how. And what’s got you so mad anyway?

Addiction Is The Bad Guy Not Anger

We should take a good look at what anger really is. It’s often made out to be the bad guy - something to avoid and eliminate. In fact, it can be a very useful tool if you know how to use it. Anger is a signal that something disturbing is going on. It may be something meaningful like social injustice, or something trivial like someone with too many things going ahead of you in the express grocery lane. Can you tell the difference inside you? Do you know what to do with it?

It is so much easier, and socially acceptable, to express and deal with anger than more complex emotions. You are ashamed because you lost your job, so you badmouth your boss to your former coworkers/friends. You anticipate feeling embarassed when you show up to your meeting late (again), so you show anger to other drivers on the road. You are deeply hurt and disoriented by the death of your sister, so you snap angrily at everyone around you when they try to talk about her.

Women Start Addictions With Emotional Pathways

More than likely, these deep complex emotions are the ones that lead you into your addiction in the first place. Deep shame from sexual abuse, unspeakable disappointment about being abandoned by your family, depression and frustration from daily family chaos. If you don’t feel well equipped to face them, turning to the bottle or needle can give you a quick escape.

Unfortunately, addiction and anger can be a scary combination. The root of your problem continues to fester while the drug addiction hides it from your awareness. You break things and scream, but you may have little to no idea what is really underneath all this rage. Not only that, but drugs and alcohol often lower your inhibitions, increase impulsivity, and mess up your judgment. You are a nightmare on wheels when this all comes together.

Anger provides an opportunity - you can either face it and try to bring more peace to your life and others near you, or you can add selfish negativity to the world and make your life more difficult. If you find yourself with a drug or alcohol addiction and anger that is out of control, it is time for drug and alcohol rehab.

Use Your Anger To Help With Your Drug Addiction

Getting angry at how the addiction has wrecked your life can lead you to the decision of going to drug rehab. Anger doesn’t always have to be your enemy, it can be your ally. Get angry at the betrayal of addiction, get angry at the lies you hear in your mind, get angry at the negative change in your life. Then use that energy to do something positive - get help, go to drug rehab, stand up and fight for your life.